I have a few dating anecdotes which I think could apply here. The stories come from far and wide, from girlfriends and boyfriends, husbands and wives and might give us a little insight into how others are getting on in the dating game.

The first could be titled ‘how much is too much?’
Its about a man who loved a little too obsessively and woman who started to suffocate.

Let’s call them Angie and Dave.
The couple met on a holiday to Cape Town where everything seemed romantic, European, exotic.
Holiday romances are always a little more unreal than regular romances. Dave was spontaneous and unpredictable and Angie found him irresistible. The couple saw each other every day for 2 weeks and in that time Dave took Angie out for fabulous dinners and bought her little things if she pointed anything out as the walked around the city.

They fell for each other and Dave enjoyed being in the position to be able to spoil and impress his new girl.

As good things do, this holiday came to an end and Angie was going back to Pretoria where Dave would be heading for Port Elizabeth. They wouldn’t be seeing each other for at least a month. They had decided to try it long distance.

Suddenly Dave felt threatened. He would no longer be around to spoil and ‘woo’ her. He was going to have to impress her from 700 miles away and he wasn’t as confident about this as he had been about having her right beside him.
He had fallen in love and was pretty desperate to have Angie feel the same way.
And she did. Sort of. Angie is more the kind of girl that loves having fun; loves a good time and cute presents but hates to feel smothered. She wasn’t what you’d call devastated to have a little space after the holiday but she looked forward to their next encounter. And they did have a few more after Cape Town, with Dave going up to Pretoria and Angie flying to PE but Dave was falling seriously for Angie and finding it harder and harder to show her from a distance.

His gifts were becoming more and more extravagant, but it was the last that sent Angie running for the hills. When Dave presented her with a document proving he had bought and named a star after her, she realised he was in this a little deeper than what she was and she wasn’t sure how much more she could handle. There was no doubt she liked him and loved the odd fling and whirl of romance, but all the gifts and intense messages declaring overpowering love became just that: overpowering and Angie found it difficult to bare.

Needless to say it ended in tears.

In a weird way I can relate to Dave. I think it can be difficult to stop yourself from becoming a loon when you feel that someone might slip away from you. You want to feel like you’ve done everything in your power to keep them in your life, but ironically this can really push someone away. People don’t want to feel that you are desperate for them. They just want to feel loved.
Figuring out how to be reasonable about it is more about being comfortable with yourself than with your partner.

My guess is that Dave was a little insecure. We’ve all been there (or is it just me?!). The minute you can find your quiet confidence and put as much effort into your relationship with yourself as you do with your partner, they will surely be drawn to you and half the job is done.

Leaning on your partner for support, comfort, security is all part of being in a relationship and if you are able to do that you can be quite sure the relationship is solid. But what about when your family want to lean on your partner for these things too.  How much is too much?

I have a friend, married 2 years. Happy for most of them. Living with her sister for all of them.

This hasn’t been easy on her or her husband and the situation is a little sensitive. My friend feels that family comes first and if you can help, naturally you should. Her husband is considerably less family-oriented and he feels that his sister-in-law is taking advantage and abusing their hospitality.

The question of boundaries in relationships is a tricky one because one of you will inevitably feel the other is being unfair. It’s always difficult to try and see anything from the other perspective and this can lead to arguments.

In my experience, it’s always best to ask yourself what you would want from your partner if the roles were reversed, and be that for them. No matter how idealistic you are, relationships do take work and ‘if it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for’, (if I can be so ironic as to quote Cheryl Cole in a relationship advice article…).

The bottom line is, family is important, but so is your relationship and both should respect the other. Easier said than done if any of you have difficult in-laws. Nonetheless, respect the boundaries of your loved ones as you would want them to respect yours and hopefully you can avoid these sticky situations in the first place.

Honesty isn’t always the easiest policy. If you’ve done something that you regret and feel that you can’t bring yourself to open up about it, that’s human, but what goes around comes around and you can’t live a lie forever.

The second worst feeling I can remember in my life is finding out that my fiancé had been lying to me. The worst feeling was when he found out I’d been lying to him…

‘The wild regrets and the bloody sweats none knew so well as I; for he who lives more lives than one, more deaths than one must die.’

If you decide to lead a double life, you must keep in the back of your mind the double death that is bound to follow. You cannot get away with pretending to be true and honourable and when the truth comes out, the feelings that will plague you are bad enough punishment, although they are unlikely the only punishment.

When you are about to make a decision that could alter your current existence, if it’s something you wouldn’t want people to know about, think it over. Life is too short to risk dying twice.

Do you think a man must always be the one to deal with the heavy lifting and hard work in life?
Must a woman always take care of everything domestic and sentimental?

Those are not easy questions to answer, however the point is you need to have a role to play and you need to play it well.

That’s not to say you can never switch roles or substitute when one another needs a hand, but a relationship is far easier to work out when everyone knows where they stand.

When lines are blurred and one of you feels let down by the other because you feel they haven’t fulfilled their role, problems can arise.

You need to communicate what these roles are to be clear of what you expect of each other. That way you will also be happier to live up to your side of the deal, knowing your partner is doing the same.

From the moment you become connected to someone there is some kind of reaction that seems to take place where you suddenly open a door to let in little bits of that person.

It could be beautiful things like their ability to forgive or their selfless acts of giving. It can be ugly like their insensitivity at another’s pain or their addictive tendencies. But either way these things permeate into your being without you even knowing. This behaviour might only manifest when you are together as you react off each other and slowly you become a slightly altered version of yourself.

There will be times when you catch yourself doing something that even surprises you and you’ll know in your heart that a little of someone else has just crept out of you. This is the moment you should ask yourself if you’re happy with this. Are you being a better version of yourself or have you just allowed yourself to be a bad version of someone else?

Take charge of your character. Be the kind of person you would like to be with. Hope that the one you’re with will take those good qualities and let them in. Hope that when next you do something out of character it’s because of the good influence of someone and not a weakness to become whatever you see.

He left the toilet seat up again. She didn’t unpack the dishwasher. His socks are lying on the bathroom floor; her hair is all over the shower. The daily gripes of man and woman cohabiting.

You take it easy on each other in the beginning, but slowly these small things can drive you a little mad. So, by the time you actually mention that it bothers you, it comes out in a burst of arm-flailing rage and your partner doesn’t quite know what hit them.

Perhaps we need to rethink this approach. Explaining the little things which bother you in a calm, adult, and rational way before it has eaten away at your temper is a far safer option. All the while remembering that you do things which annoy your partner too and their turn is swiftly approaching to return the favour and tell you how they feel – this may help you choose your words with care. Don’t dish out what you can’t take.

So, you’ve aired your dirty laundry – so to speak – but what do you do when it happens again? (And it will happen again.)  This is a tricky and delicate situation and one that needs your own overview. But if I can give my personal take on it, you need to give it time and constant, but gentle reminders. And, also, practice what you preach. Take note of your partner’s pet peeves and do your best not to be a repeat offender. If you’re lucky, they’ll notice and show you the same courtesy.

Old habits die hard, but that’s not to say you can’t kick them. For the sake of a happy home, pick up your socks, clean up your hair and give peace a chance.

It starts with a sultry glance across the room; a sexy strut towards one another and progresses to dinner dates and romantic rendez-vous. And then one day, the butterflies you normally feel fluttering around your stomach seem to have gotten jammed somehow into a twisted, painful knot: the first fight…

There is no need to panic. This is unfortunately not a Disney story, but real life. And in real life, people fight. Especially people who like each other and have an inexplicable need for their relationship to be perfect – or, as perfect as they thought it could be. When things appear to be less than that, it is our tendency to find the root of this imperfection and squash it. Even if that means having to fight with the one person you really don’t want to fight with.

Take heart in the knowledge that fights will help you to get to know each other better. You’ll soon learn what upsets the other. You’ll find out what type of fighter each of you is. Some might cry, some shout, others slam doors, throw things or walk out. Whatever your style, one of the most important things to try to remember is to remain respectful. Once you’ve said or done something, it cannot be undone. Ever.

So, you’ve had the fight. And the butterflies are officially staying in that jumbled, angry mess, only having  moved up towards your throat while you wonder how to move on from here. This gets easier and you’ll eventually be comfortable enough with each other to find a peaceful way of getting over it.

I guess the hard part is figuring out whether you truly do want to make up, forgive, forget and move on. There are some fights that are worth having and it might be the last one you ever want to have with that person. That’s ok too. There’s a lesson to be learned from every relationship and even if it ends with you walking away, sometimes Disney stories do actually happen (sort of) and your prince charming may be waiting right around the corner.

No matter which way you look at it dating makes us vulnerable.  It’s a throw of the dice that leaves us breathless with anticipation, hope, faith and not a little fear. It exposes us, opens us to every emotion and leaves us naked in the face of virtual strangers but it is also exciting, exhilarating and rewarding. It can lead to friendship, love and, usually the end game, marriage.

We are programmed to connect with others, to seek out mates and procreate and irrespective of our belief in marriage most of us want the whole package. We want to find a soul mate and have a family and live happily ever after. It’s a pilgrimage that starts with, sometimes, nothing more than a meeting of eyes across a crowded room.

Barriers, either physical, political, religious cannot contain our desire to be part of a couple. It’s like our need for oxygen, it is simply a fact of life we are not meant to be alone and isolated, living out our lives without companions. Finding that companion can be a long journey with detours and pit stops but no matter how difficult the trip we are always ready to pack up our baggage and start afresh, a different destination each time until we find the place we call home.

Many factors influence this search, our state of mind for one thing. We might have ended one relationship and not be too anxious to embark hastily on another without testing the waters, or we might be struggling to find the right person. Some of us may simply want to have fun and enjoy many experiences without commitment. The differences are great, the initial steps limited. You can’t get to know an individual unless you go on a date. Meeting  someone you feel an attraction to at a party or a bar is only the beginning, finding there’s a real spark between you requires a one-on-one date.

Date, the word conjures up an event of unimaginable delight or unmentionable despair. Dates can be fun, interesting, thrilling or exciting. I doubt there’s an adult who cannot describe one that has been near perfect or another that was almost unendurable but in the quest for love or even companionship, you won’t find it if you don’t date it.

None of the wonders of this electronic age make dating easy, there is yet to be a scanner invented that can be swept over a date and expose his intentions so one has to employ basic gut instinct. Of course this same gut instinct is what attracts women to ‘bad’ boys but there is an ocean of difference between them and the real bad men. Let’s suppose then that your gut tells you he’s a good guy, common sense makes you carry a can of pepper spray in the event he’s not and you’re wise enough to tell your best friend, sister, mother or landlady your plans.

It begins well. He opens the car door for you and compliments you, not too effusively or in such a way that you feel uncomfortable because his eyes are on your legs. He drives confidently and makes small talk so that by the time you reach the restaurant you’re relaxed and the conversation isn’t stilted. He doesn’t try to crowd you, no hand holding or awkward touching as you make your way into the up market crowded restaurant and you’re beginning to feel a tingle of pleasure in his company.

He’s chosen well. The table for two is reserved, it’s at the window overlooking fountains and trees bedecked with lights and it’s intimate and cosy. The waitron discreetly lights the candle. Menus are produced and there’s a slight hiccup, hardly more than a flutter when he tells the waiter he’ll order for both of you because you wonder at once how he knows what you like. This is 2012 after all, the year the world may possibly end, not the fifties when a woman may get a thrill from a man who takes charge.  You swallow misgiving though because he’s a good looking guy and you both know it when you catch him watching himself in the mirror. You dismiss any qualms at his vanity as he casually runs a hand through his hair and the muscles in his arm move and you experience a rush of pride, and let’s be honest, a small lurch of lust, he’s in great physical shape.

Wine is ordered, a dry red when in fact you prefer a light white, but you say nothing. You smile and gently clink glasses, your smile fading a little when he orders garlic snails as a starter. You thought it was a gastronomic disaster in the eighties and quite apart from the fact you don’t eat snails and didn’t think anyone else did anymore either, you wonder at the garlic. Garlic?  On a first date?  Not a good combination surely.  You can’t be the only one to think it.

You smile sweetly and murmur, snails aren’t really your thing, you’d rather have the avocado and rocket salad with parmesan shavings. The waitron ducks his head in acknowledgement, your date’s lips thin and he says, ‘fine’ but his voice is stiff with disapproval. A knot begins to form in your stomach and you swallow a mouthful of wine. Nerves make your mouth dry and you glug the whole lot back. The knot loosens and heat infuses you.

Things go from good to bad in shockingly fast time. He frowns at your empty glass and tells you condescendingly that a good red should be savoured not downed. You are now feeling hot and light headed and slightly aggravated so you reach for the bottle and recklessly refill your glass. He is not amused and you give an involuntary giggle. Starters arrive and before you’ve even had a mouthful he orders the main course, rare pepper steak.

“Medium”, you mutter, “and easy on the pepper”.  The waitron nods, lips tight with amusement.  Conversation that was effortless  is now stuttering and your salad sits heavily next to the knot that’s re-formed. His eyes wander and you watch, with curious indifference, when they fix on a blonde at the bar who smiles knowingly. Suddenly you just want to go home, you want to throw off the dress you thought sexy and kick off the stilettoes, you want to pull on a tee shirt and shorts and have a cup of tea and watch re-runs of ‘Friends’.  The date that began on a high note is ending off key.

You finish the meal in silence. He slices his steak, red and bloody, chews while eyeing the blonde. Your appetite has disappeared and you make eye contact with the waitron who smiles sympathetically deftly removing your plate. 

Your date looks at his watch and makes a comment about an early meeting and suggests splitting the bill and calling it a night. You stare in disbelief, too polite to argue despite the desire to stab him with your fork.  The bill comes and you slap down your credit card, desperate now to get home as soon as possible. The drive is made in record time, also in silence and you know he’s going to return to the restaurant to hook up with the blonde. He doesn’t even turn off the engine or get out. You’re very careful not to slam the door – that would indicate a level of emotion you don’t want to offer him and when you’re safely inside you let out a sigh of relief.

Never again, you swear, no more dates, no more men, no more disappointment. It’s only when you check the credit card slip, too proud to have glanced at it in the restaurant, you see that the waitron hasn’t charged you anything.  Instead he’s drawn a sad face, written his name and phone number on the slip and you experience a rush of gladness, remember his warm brown eyes and sympathetic smile and you know you’re going to think about calling him. You start fantasising about a date with a nice guy and already you’re filled with positive anticipation, excitement and you allow expectation to flourish again.

Everyone wants to find someone, someone who fits. Everyone wants to be the puzzle piece connecting to the perfect match. We are programmed to search for connection, contact and despite disappointment we have an in-built determination and drive to get back in the saddle if we fall.  Dating is an unknown and our expectations make us vulnerable but no amount of failure dampens our need to want a partner to share life’s journey, no matter how long or short. Whether life ends in December 2012 or continues ad infinitum if you’re single and looking for love you’re going to date, if you’re going to date you’ll experience highs and lows.  It’s a jungle out there, disaster and delight but we embrace the challenge.  We have no choice.

Next time we’ll explore truth and dare. Be strong, people, the year is only just beginning.

Sounds frantic and futile but is in fact an open door to a certain level of excitement and intrigue.  Let’s refer briefly to the methods of securing a date and suppose the tried and tested scenario of, dare I say it, blind date is in place. A friend of a friend has set up dinner for two.

There are a million rules and as many that can be broken but for the purpose of the article let’s assume both parties are single, have only been mildly coerced and have agreed to arrive independently at a restaurant. There has to be ground rules.

Firstly, agree on a mutual signal of recognition. It defeats the object if you’re wearing red, just like you told the friend of a friend you would, but have a change of heart and slip into that black dress that makes you look slimmer and besides he’ll recognise you from the garnet earrings. The only way he’ll pick you out is if you’re the only woman alone at a table for two and he pauses to ask if you’re expecting him.

There is nothing as inaptly named as a blind date.  For one thing this is the occasion when one requires not just twenty-twenty vision but the full use of all senses, including intuition. So, oxymoron aside, you’re in the blood red cocktail dress sitting at the bar, subconscious of your single status and aware that your dress is too tight and possibly too short. Nonetheless you are prepared, physically if not mentally and even though you swore you wouldn’t, you cannot help swivelling your head to scan the restaurant each time someone enters.

You know exactly who he is the minute he walks in. He’s every woman’s blind date nightmare and you want to kick yourself for wearing the red dress, not the black and accepting the date to begin with but you paste a sick smile on your face and watch him weave his way between tables, making a beeline for you.

He’s sweating desperation from every pore and you just know he’s going to try too hard and expect too much. Besides, even with another five kilos under your belt he outweighs you by fifty, has a receding hairline and a bullet shaped head but, even worse, he’s oddly endearing.

And therein lies the rub.  We have strangely uninformed ideas of romance and our expectations, with no personal historical data, are governed by Hollywood and Mills and Boon. We want our heroes to look like it, we want to be swept off our feet by tall dark strangers and lose our hearts to the movie stars. What we don’t want is the shy, short man with a big waistline to have an even bigger heart and strings that attach to your own because that’s the thing. Blind dates are similar to speed dating. 

There’s no time to really get to know the stranger in front of you and when time is short you make haste so rely on the superficial.  This can, on occasion, be a big mistake.

In the Year of the Dragon we have to close our eyes to the cover and plunge straight inside to content because if 2012 grinds to an Armageddon end in December, you want to have tasted the sweet and tender nectar of genuine like, not simply bitten the beautiful. Sometimes desperation dating is really a search for commonality, which may in turn lead to the beautiful. That guy opposite you may come across as desperate when in reality he’s caring, genuine and wants to know more about you and wants you to see the real him.

We are all about instant gratification but blind dating, even with the urgency of the end of time, has to be savoured a little so we may find the gem beneath the coal dust. 

So whilst it will not always be the case don’t be too dismissive too fast.  Give him a chance and you may discover that a nice guy is sometimes exactly what he appears to be, irrespective of his looks or demeanour.  And if he isn’t you’ve lost a couple of hours and had a free meal and there is a distinct possibility if you play it with charm and grace that Mr. No may have as his best mate Mr. Oh Yes!

Let’s meet again soon for more desperate dating dilemmas.

It’s easy to look at your life and feel that things aren’t going to plan. It’s easier still to find all the things to blame for this detour on your journey. I hate to be the one to say it, but it may be time to take a stand and get back into the driver’s seat.

If we wait for things to get better on their own, we could be waiting a while…and as we all know, time might not be something we have too much of if all the doomsayers are correct. Wouldn’t you rather know that you did all you could to create the life of your dreams? Wouldn’t you sleep better with the knowledge that you have taken the day into your hands and steered it (all you could) in the direction of your visions?

The time is now.

Now, if you’ve managed as a passenger most of your life, this shift into becoming the driver is not going to be the easiest one, but once you’re there and the proverbial open road lays ahead of you, there should be nothing stopping you from reaching your destination.

The first step is to decide what it is you actually want, or where it is you want to go. And you are the only one who knows it, even if you don’t think you do. ‘If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable’, so map out your journey and have faith that you will get there.

Meeting people and having rewarding relationships is an important and unavoidable part of life and makes this journey all the more worthwhile. So ask yourself if the people in your life are the right ones and if not, get out there and find them. Having a loving and compatible partner is not the only thing there is to make a person happy, but it sure helps. Just like having money doesn’t bring joy, but it makes it a lot easier to live a life without pressure.

Be in charge this year of finding all the pieces you need in your life to make things easier, better, more exciting, more satisfying and most of all more enjoyable because if you don’t, who will?