The first could be titled ‘how much is too much?’
Its about a man who loved a little too obsessively and woman who started to suffocate.

Let’s call them Angie and Dave.
The couple met on a holiday to Cape Town where everything seemed romantic, European, exotic.
Holiday romances are always a little more unreal than regular romances. Dave was spontaneous and unpredictable and Angie found him irresistible. The couple saw each other every day for 2 weeks and in that time Dave took Angie out for fabulous dinners and bought her little things if she pointed anything out as the walked around the city.

They fell for each other and Dave enjoyed being in the position to be able to spoil and impress his new girl.

As good things do, this holiday came to an end and Angie was going back to Pretoria where Dave would be heading for Port Elizabeth. They wouldn’t be seeing each other for at least a month. They had decided to try it long distance.

Suddenly Dave felt threatened. He would no longer be around to spoil and ‘woo’ her. He was going to have to impress her from 700 miles away and he wasn’t as confident about this as he had been about having her right beside him.
He had fallen in love and was pretty desperate to have Angie feel the same way.
And she did. Sort of. Angie is more the kind of girl that loves having fun; loves a good time and cute presents but hates to feel smothered. She wasn’t what you’d call devastated to have a little space after the holiday but she looked forward to their next encounter. And they did have a few more after Cape Town, with Dave going up to Pretoria and Angie flying to PE but Dave was falling seriously for Angie and finding it harder and harder to show her from a distance.

His gifts were becoming more and more extravagant, but it was the last that sent Angie running for the hills. When Dave presented her with a document proving he had bought and named a star after her, she realised he was in this a little deeper than what she was and she wasn’t sure how much more she could handle. There was no doubt she liked him and loved the odd fling and whirl of romance, but all the gifts and intense messages declaring overpowering love became just that: overpowering and Angie found it difficult to bare.

Needless to say it ended in tears.

In a weird way I can relate to Dave. I think it can be difficult to stop yourself from becoming a loon when you feel that someone might slip away from you. You want to feel like you’ve done everything in your power to keep them in your life, but ironically this can really push someone away. People don’t want to feel that you are desperate for them. They just want to feel loved.
Figuring out how to be reasonable about it is more about being comfortable with yourself than with your partner.

My guess is that Dave was a little insecure. We’ve all been there (or is it just me?!). The minute you can find your quiet confidence and put as much effort into your relationship with yourself as you do with your partner, they will surely be drawn to you and half the job is done.

I have a friend, married 2 years. Happy for most of them. Living with her sister for all of them.

This hasn’t been easy on her or her husband and the situation is a little sensitive. My friend feels that family comes first and if you can help, naturally you should. Her husband is considerably less family-oriented and he feels that his sister-in-law is taking advantage and abusing their hospitality.

The question of boundaries in relationships is a tricky one because one of you will inevitably feel the other is being unfair. It’s always difficult to try and see anything from the other perspective and this can lead to arguments.

In my experience, it’s always best to ask yourself what you would want from your partner if the roles were reversed, and be that for them. No matter how idealistic you are, relationships do take work and ‘if it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for’, (if I can be so ironic as to quote Cheryl Cole in a relationship advice article…).

The bottom line is, family is important, but so is your relationship and both should respect the other. Easier said than done if any of you have difficult in-laws. Nonetheless, respect the boundaries of your loved ones as you would want them to respect yours and hopefully you can avoid these sticky situations in the first place.

The second worst feeling I can remember in my life is finding out that my fiancé had been lying to me. The worst feeling was when he found out I’d been lying to him…

‘The wild regrets and the bloody sweats none knew so well as I; for he who lives more lives than one, more deaths than one must die.’

If you decide to lead a double life, you must keep in the back of your mind the double death that is bound to follow. You cannot get away with pretending to be true and honourable and when the truth comes out, the feelings that will plague you are bad enough punishment, although they are unlikely the only punishment.

When you are about to make a decision that could alter your current existence, if it’s something you wouldn’t want people to know about, think it over. Life is too short to risk dying twice.

…

It’s Friday and I’m freaking out.

We meet at a bar after work and the minute I see him, I feel light-headed like a school girl about to hold hands with a cute boy. He kisses me on the cheek and we sit down to catch up on the last decade. He’s lost the sweetness and innocence he had at 16. It’s been replaced with an awareness and confidence that I can’t help but find attractive. He smells good, is dressed well and such a gentleman. He makes me feel comfortable and the familiar feeling I have when I look at him makes it so easy to talk to him.

Feeling relieved that it’s going well, we both loosen up and David seems to feel quite at home with his hand on my leg. I would be lying if I said I wanted him to move it, but I start worrying about how to react. I don’t know yet how I want this night to end…

A few cocktails later and we decide to go to a club where some of his friends are. It’s only a few blocks away so we walk. He grabs my hand while we walk and I feel excited and still a bit anxious.

We get to the club and instead of going inside he pulls me aside and says we are meeting one of his friends outside. Before I can think of what we can talk about, my face is in his hands and like the teenagers we were when we met we are kissing in the shadows behind a night club.

On the other hand I have come to terms with going to the Christmas party alone. I’m not desperate. I’m not afraid of my own company, but I am afraid of spending the night with someone I may not like – or know very well just to have a date on my arm.

An old high school friend looked me up on facebook and we have started chatting. It’s familiar and I’m relieved to be having reasonably normal interaction with someone of the opposite sex, albeit through cyberspace (probably safest right now).

In the mean time I live vicariously through Jose’s seemingly incessant social scene, revelling in the fabulous stories he arrives bursting to share with us every lunch time. I find it hard to believe he finds time to squeeze a job into his calendar. And secretly I’m totally jealous of his gay life – it certainly seems as if being homosexual automatically entitles you to a life of endless glamour and excitement.

Jose thinks I should give it about a week of chatting and surreptitious flirting before arranging to meet facebook boy for an innocent cocktail to ‘catch up’. (He actually used finger quotations when he said the words ‘catch up’ because to Jose, the words denote ‘feel up’ more than ‘catch up’ and he was afraid I would misinterpret the motive for aforementioned cocktail date…).  This being said, I will very likely take Jose’s advice since I’ve got this major crush on his life and figure he must know what he’s talking about. But perhaps I’ll do more catching and less feeling on the first date. Let’s see how the week goes.

Only 2 weeks from the Christmas party and I’ve spent the last couple of days pondering. Should I take a date? If I do, am I brave enough to wait it out until someone asks me? Am I braver still to ask someone myself?? I take strength from the fact that two of my colleagues are single too and I’m a firm believer in strength in numbers.

I get to work and who should be in the office looking bewildered and deer-in-the-headlights-y? None other than ‘Sean Penn’ from the staircase! I freak out (on the inside) and feel about as confused as he looks. What the hell is he doing here? After some mad gossiping with Jose to get the lowdown, I learn that Perry (hottie’s name is not Sean Penn after all) is an intern!

Part of me is super excited in that school girl kind of way. The other part is slightly annoyed that this potential heart throb is going to be hovering around for the next month or so making me very aware of my singleness. Could this be the most amazing twist of fate ever? The world doesn’t work that way does it?

I find out as much as I can without coming across as a stalker. Perry is 2 years younger than me (a bit of a turn off) and has been struggling to find work in journalism and is therefore totally sucking up to everyone he sees in order to try and get a real position when the internship ends. Not sure how I feel about this just yet…

Those are not easy questions to answer, however the point is you need to have a role to play and you need to play it well.

That’s not to say you can never switch roles or substitute when one another needs a hand, but a relationship is far easier to work out when everyone knows where they stand.

When lines are blurred and one of you feels let down by the other because you feel they haven’t fulfilled their role, problems can arise.

You need to communicate what these roles are to be clear of what you expect of each other. That way you will also be happier to live up to your side of the deal, knowing your partner is doing the same.

It could be beautiful things like their ability to forgive or their selfless acts of giving. It can be ugly like their insensitivity at another’s pain or their addictive tendencies. But either way these things permeate into your being without you even knowing. This behaviour might only manifest when you are together as you react off each other and slowly you become a slightly altered version of yourself.

There will be times when you catch yourself doing something that even surprises you and you’ll know in your heart that a little of someone else has just crept out of you. This is the moment you should ask yourself if you’re happy with this. Are you being a better version of yourself or have you just allowed yourself to be a bad version of someone else?

Take charge of your character. Be the kind of person you would like to be with. Hope that the one you’re with will take those good qualities and let them in. Hope that when next you do something out of character it’s because of the good influence of someone and not a weakness to become whatever you see.

You take it easy on each other in the beginning, but slowly these small things can drive you a little mad. So, by the time you actually mention that it bothers you, it comes out in a burst of arm-flailing rage and your partner doesn’t quite know what hit them.

Perhaps we need to rethink this approach. Explaining the little things which bother you in a calm, adult, and rational way before it has eaten away at your temper is a far safer option. All the while remembering that you do things which annoy your partner too and their turn is swiftly approaching to return the favour and tell you how they feel – this may help you choose your words with care. Don’t dish out what you can’t take.

So, you’ve aired your dirty laundry – so to speak – but what do you do when it happens again? (And it will happen again.)  This is a tricky and delicate situation and one that needs your own overview. But if I can give my personal take on it, you need to give it time and constant, but gentle reminders. And, also, practice what you preach. Take note of your partner’s pet peeves and do your best not to be a repeat offender. If you’re lucky, they’ll notice and show you the same courtesy.

Old habits die hard, but that’s not to say you can’t kick them. For the sake of a happy home, pick up your socks, clean up your hair and give peace a chance.

He suggested a few things which I guess I would have suggested to someone seeking advice from me, but would not have considered for myself. He told me to be open. Open to things that I might usually disregard, like a chance meeting with someone or an invitation to something I might usually have passed up. He said that life is constantly offering us opportunities and what we do with them determines our path.  A pretty deep and fruity lunch indeed…

I spend the rest of the day thinking of Jose’s wise words and realise that the Christmas party could be exactly the kind of opportunity he is referring to. I spend the better part of 2 hours planning my party outfit – down to perfume and handbag contents and decide that there should be an advent calendar specially invented for work Christmas parties.

As I walk down the stairs to get to the parking lot, a handsome man – in that Sean Penn unobvious kind of way – walks past me looking a little lost. I hear Jose’s words echo in my head: ‘opportunity’ (the way it happens in the movies when the character knows just what to do because they learned a valuable lesson earlier that day). I struggle to figure out how exactly to use this opportunity to its potential without messing up what could be a perfect scene from Gossip Girl. ‘Um, where are you… who are you…can I help you?’ More Faulty Towers than Gossip Girl, but it’s a start. Despite the ‘No thanks’ and swift getaway, I feel like I’ve taken the first step to putting myself out there.