It starts with a sultry glance across the room; a sexy strut towards one another and progresses to dinner dates and romantic rendez-vous. And then one day, the butterflies you normally feel fluttering around your stomach seem to have gotten jammed somehow into a twisted, painful knot: the first fight…

There is no need to panic. This is unfortunately not a Disney story, but real life. And in real life, people fight. Especially people who like each other and have an inexplicable need for their relationship to be perfect – or, as perfect as they thought it could be. When things appear to be less than that, it is our tendency to find the root of this imperfection and squash it. Even if that means having to fight with the one person you really don’t want to fight with.

Take heart in the knowledge that fights will help you to get to know each other better. You’ll soon learn what upsets the other. You’ll find out what type of fighter each of you is. Some might cry, some shout, others slam doors, throw things or walk out. Whatever your style, one of the most important things to try to remember is to remain respectful. Once you’ve said or done something, it cannot be undone. Ever.

So, you’ve had the fight. And the butterflies are officially staying in that jumbled, angry mess, only having  moved up towards your throat while you wonder how to move on from here. This gets easier and you’ll eventually be comfortable enough with each other to find a peaceful way of getting over it.

I guess the hard part is figuring out whether you truly do want to make up, forgive, forget and move on. There are some fights that are worth having and it might be the last one you ever want to have with that person. That’s ok too. There’s a lesson to be learned from every relationship and even if it ends with you walking away, sometimes Disney stories do actually happen (sort of) and your prince charming may be waiting right around the corner.

No matter which way you look at it dating makes us vulnerable.  It’s a throw of the dice that leaves us breathless with anticipation, hope, faith and not a little fear. It exposes us, opens us to every emotion and leaves us naked in the face of virtual strangers but it is also exciting, exhilarating and rewarding. It can lead to friendship, love and, usually the end game, marriage.

We are programmed to connect with others, to seek out mates and procreate and irrespective of our belief in marriage most of us want the whole package. We want to find a soul mate and have a family and live happily ever after. It’s a pilgrimage that starts with, sometimes, nothing more than a meeting of eyes across a crowded room.

Barriers, either physical, political, religious cannot contain our desire to be part of a couple. It’s like our need for oxygen, it is simply a fact of life we are not meant to be alone and isolated, living out our lives without companions. Finding that companion can be a long journey with detours and pit stops but no matter how difficult the trip we are always ready to pack up our baggage and start afresh, a different destination each time until we find the place we call home.

Many factors influence this search, our state of mind for one thing. We might have ended one relationship and not be too anxious to embark hastily on another without testing the waters, or we might be struggling to find the right person. Some of us may simply want to have fun and enjoy many experiences without commitment. The differences are great, the initial steps limited. You can’t get to know an individual unless you go on a date. Meeting  someone you feel an attraction to at a party or a bar is only the beginning, finding there’s a real spark between you requires a one-on-one date.

Date, the word conjures up an event of unimaginable delight or unmentionable despair. Dates can be fun, interesting, thrilling or exciting. I doubt there’s an adult who cannot describe one that has been near perfect or another that was almost unendurable but in the quest for love or even companionship, you won’t find it if you don’t date it.

None of the wonders of this electronic age make dating easy, there is yet to be a scanner invented that can be swept over a date and expose his intentions so one has to employ basic gut instinct. Of course this same gut instinct is what attracts women to ‘bad’ boys but there is an ocean of difference between them and the real bad men. Let’s suppose then that your gut tells you he’s a good guy, common sense makes you carry a can of pepper spray in the event he’s not and you’re wise enough to tell your best friend, sister, mother or landlady your plans.

It begins well. He opens the car door for you and compliments you, not too effusively or in such a way that you feel uncomfortable because his eyes are on your legs. He drives confidently and makes small talk so that by the time you reach the restaurant you’re relaxed and the conversation isn’t stilted. He doesn’t try to crowd you, no hand holding or awkward touching as you make your way into the up market crowded restaurant and you’re beginning to feel a tingle of pleasure in his company.

He’s chosen well. The table for two is reserved, it’s at the window overlooking fountains and trees bedecked with lights and it’s intimate and cosy. The waitron discreetly lights the candle. Menus are produced and there’s a slight hiccup, hardly more than a flutter when he tells the waiter he’ll order for both of you because you wonder at once how he knows what you like. This is 2012 after all, the year the world may possibly end, not the fifties when a woman may get a thrill from a man who takes charge.  You swallow misgiving though because he’s a good looking guy and you both know it when you catch him watching himself in the mirror. You dismiss any qualms at his vanity as he casually runs a hand through his hair and the muscles in his arm move and you experience a rush of pride, and let’s be honest, a small lurch of lust, he’s in great physical shape.

Wine is ordered, a dry red when in fact you prefer a light white, but you say nothing. You smile and gently clink glasses, your smile fading a little when he orders garlic snails as a starter. You thought it was a gastronomic disaster in the eighties and quite apart from the fact you don’t eat snails and didn’t think anyone else did anymore either, you wonder at the garlic. Garlic?  On a first date?  Not a good combination surely.  You can’t be the only one to think it.

You smile sweetly and murmur, snails aren’t really your thing, you’d rather have the avocado and rocket salad with parmesan shavings. The waitron ducks his head in acknowledgement, your date’s lips thin and he says, ‘fine’ but his voice is stiff with disapproval. A knot begins to form in your stomach and you swallow a mouthful of wine. Nerves make your mouth dry and you glug the whole lot back. The knot loosens and heat infuses you.

Things go from good to bad in shockingly fast time. He frowns at your empty glass and tells you condescendingly that a good red should be savoured not downed. You are now feeling hot and light headed and slightly aggravated so you reach for the bottle and recklessly refill your glass. He is not amused and you give an involuntary giggle. Starters arrive and before you’ve even had a mouthful he orders the main course, rare pepper steak.

“Medium”, you mutter, “and easy on the pepper”.  The waitron nods, lips tight with amusement.  Conversation that was effortless  is now stuttering and your salad sits heavily next to the knot that’s re-formed. His eyes wander and you watch, with curious indifference, when they fix on a blonde at the bar who smiles knowingly. Suddenly you just want to go home, you want to throw off the dress you thought sexy and kick off the stilettoes, you want to pull on a tee shirt and shorts and have a cup of tea and watch re-runs of ‘Friends’.  The date that began on a high note is ending off key.

You finish the meal in silence. He slices his steak, red and bloody, chews while eyeing the blonde. Your appetite has disappeared and you make eye contact with the waitron who smiles sympathetically deftly removing your plate. 

Your date looks at his watch and makes a comment about an early meeting and suggests splitting the bill and calling it a night. You stare in disbelief, too polite to argue despite the desire to stab him with your fork.  The bill comes and you slap down your credit card, desperate now to get home as soon as possible. The drive is made in record time, also in silence and you know he’s going to return to the restaurant to hook up with the blonde. He doesn’t even turn off the engine or get out. You’re very careful not to slam the door – that would indicate a level of emotion you don’t want to offer him and when you’re safely inside you let out a sigh of relief.

Never again, you swear, no more dates, no more men, no more disappointment. It’s only when you check the credit card slip, too proud to have glanced at it in the restaurant, you see that the waitron hasn’t charged you anything.  Instead he’s drawn a sad face, written his name and phone number on the slip and you experience a rush of gladness, remember his warm brown eyes and sympathetic smile and you know you’re going to think about calling him. You start fantasising about a date with a nice guy and already you’re filled with positive anticipation, excitement and you allow expectation to flourish again.

Everyone wants to find someone, someone who fits. Everyone wants to be the puzzle piece connecting to the perfect match. We are programmed to search for connection, contact and despite disappointment we have an in-built determination and drive to get back in the saddle if we fall.  Dating is an unknown and our expectations make us vulnerable but no amount of failure dampens our need to want a partner to share life’s journey, no matter how long or short. Whether life ends in December 2012 or continues ad infinitum if you’re single and looking for love you’re going to date, if you’re going to date you’ll experience highs and lows.  It’s a jungle out there, disaster and delight but we embrace the challenge.  We have no choice.

Next time we’ll explore truth and dare. Be strong, people, the year is only just beginning.

Sounds frantic and futile but is in fact an open door to a certain level of excitement and intrigue.  Let’s refer briefly to the methods of securing a date and suppose the tried and tested scenario of, dare I say it, blind date is in place. A friend of a friend has set up dinner for two.

There are a million rules and as many that can be broken but for the purpose of the article let’s assume both parties are single, have only been mildly coerced and have agreed to arrive independently at a restaurant. There has to be ground rules.

Firstly, agree on a mutual signal of recognition. It defeats the object if you’re wearing red, just like you told the friend of a friend you would, but have a change of heart and slip into that black dress that makes you look slimmer and besides he’ll recognise you from the garnet earrings. The only way he’ll pick you out is if you’re the only woman alone at a table for two and he pauses to ask if you’re expecting him.

There is nothing as inaptly named as a blind date.  For one thing this is the occasion when one requires not just twenty-twenty vision but the full use of all senses, including intuition. So, oxymoron aside, you’re in the blood red cocktail dress sitting at the bar, subconscious of your single status and aware that your dress is too tight and possibly too short. Nonetheless you are prepared, physically if not mentally and even though you swore you wouldn’t, you cannot help swivelling your head to scan the restaurant each time someone enters.

You know exactly who he is the minute he walks in. He’s every woman’s blind date nightmare and you want to kick yourself for wearing the red dress, not the black and accepting the date to begin with but you paste a sick smile on your face and watch him weave his way between tables, making a beeline for you.

He’s sweating desperation from every pore and you just know he’s going to try too hard and expect too much. Besides, even with another five kilos under your belt he outweighs you by fifty, has a receding hairline and a bullet shaped head but, even worse, he’s oddly endearing.

And therein lies the rub.  We have strangely uninformed ideas of romance and our expectations, with no personal historical data, are governed by Hollywood and Mills and Boon. We want our heroes to look like it, we want to be swept off our feet by tall dark strangers and lose our hearts to the movie stars. What we don’t want is the shy, short man with a big waistline to have an even bigger heart and strings that attach to your own because that’s the thing. Blind dates are similar to speed dating. 

There’s no time to really get to know the stranger in front of you and when time is short you make haste so rely on the superficial.  This can, on occasion, be a big mistake.

In the Year of the Dragon we have to close our eyes to the cover and plunge straight inside to content because if 2012 grinds to an Armageddon end in December, you want to have tasted the sweet and tender nectar of genuine like, not simply bitten the beautiful. Sometimes desperation dating is really a search for commonality, which may in turn lead to the beautiful. That guy opposite you may come across as desperate when in reality he’s caring, genuine and wants to know more about you and wants you to see the real him.

We are all about instant gratification but blind dating, even with the urgency of the end of time, has to be savoured a little so we may find the gem beneath the coal dust. 

So whilst it will not always be the case don’t be too dismissive too fast.  Give him a chance and you may discover that a nice guy is sometimes exactly what he appears to be, irrespective of his looks or demeanour.  And if he isn’t you’ve lost a couple of hours and had a free meal and there is a distinct possibility if you play it with charm and grace that Mr. No may have as his best mate Mr. Oh Yes!

Let’s meet again soon for more desperate dating dilemmas.

It’s easy to look at your life and feel that things aren’t going to plan. It’s easier still to find all the things to blame for this detour on your journey. I hate to be the one to say it, but it may be time to take a stand and get back into the driver’s seat.

If we wait for things to get better on their own, we could be waiting a while…and as we all know, time might not be something we have too much of if all the doomsayers are correct. Wouldn’t you rather know that you did all you could to create the life of your dreams? Wouldn’t you sleep better with the knowledge that you have taken the day into your hands and steered it (all you could) in the direction of your visions?

The time is now.

Now, if you’ve managed as a passenger most of your life, this shift into becoming the driver is not going to be the easiest one, but once you’re there and the proverbial open road lays ahead of you, there should be nothing stopping you from reaching your destination.

The first step is to decide what it is you actually want, or where it is you want to go. And you are the only one who knows it, even if you don’t think you do. ‘If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable’, so map out your journey and have faith that you will get there.

Meeting people and having rewarding relationships is an important and unavoidable part of life and makes this journey all the more worthwhile. So ask yourself if the people in your life are the right ones and if not, get out there and find them. Having a loving and compatible partner is not the only thing there is to make a person happy, but it sure helps. Just like having money doesn’t bring joy, but it makes it a lot easier to live a life without pressure.

Be in charge this year of finding all the pieces you need in your life to make things easier, better, more exciting, more satisfying and most of all more enjoyable because if you don’t, who will?

The first time I heard the expression it was being yelled by a dishevelled hippie standing on a soapbox at Speaker’s Corner, Hyde Park in London.  I thought a dinosaur was on the loose.

What the dreadlocked dissenter referred to, of course, to an audience of six, was the end of days, the judgement day, the apocalypse. In short, the world is coming to an end as dictated by the Mayan calendar, very specifically on 12^th December 2012. It’s not just Mayans and old hippies who believe it either.  Notables such as Nostradamus predicted the end is nigh, which means give or take, there’s less than a year for singles to embark on the DD.

I’m not referring to bra size and it’s not a World War 2 reference either.  DD – desperate dating. So few months, so many potential partners, now is the time to put ‘nothing ventured nothing gained’ into action.

Plan A, you find the ‘one’ and live happily ever…oops, until 13 December rolls round or Plan B you set in motion a DD year of epic proportions and exit this world a satisfied  person, having  truly given it your best shot.

Beginning at the beginning you realise it’s a dead end.  Meeting a prospective date the old fashioned way no longer cuts it unless the union is arranged and given the time constraints there’s no time to slowly get to know each other. No, this is dating fast and hard core. Pass go and head straight to the internet.

Internet dating requires nothing more than a laptop, photo shop and a working Taser.

‘Tall, dark , good looking. Great sense of humour.  Likes children and animals. Loves music, strolling in the rain, good wine’.

‘Blue eyed blonde. Curvy where it counts. Loves dancing, walks on the beach, long conversations, champagne’.

Translation. Him – average, swarthy drinker with kids from a previous marriage and six dogs looking for a drinking partner. Her – plump bottle blonde loves talking about herself over several glasses of sparkling wine, not averse to a lap dance.

It sounds like a match made in Heaven. You have to try it more than once before throwing in the towel. More than one couple met dramatically on the internet and moved rapidly from mailing to marriage but if it’s something more personal you want to find that Mr or Miss Right move from  computer to club.

The world of clubs is infinite.  I’m not just talking about night clubs or supper clubs, private clubs or country clubs. There’s sports clubs, book clubs, drama clubs, clubs of every variation. Membership is often free and membership diverse. The upside is that one has the opportunity of developing a skill and picking up a date or two. At the very least you’ll broaden your horizons, make new friends and enjoy dinners of mediocrity to magnificence.

On the darker side many a lonely single has found a special partner attending funerals, crashing weddings and events, arriving too late to be name checked at private functions in public places and there’s any number of yummy single mummies to be picked up at the PTA meeting or school sports day. Who is to say that child you point at is not your own? 

Failing these tried and tested methods there is always the supermarket. Impossible to count the number of relationships started over a shopping trolley collision or fresh fruit shelf.  ‘Are the watermelon ripe’?  There’s no man alive who won’t stop to assist a dainty damsel, arm stretched high to reach that out of reach box of cereal.   

What about the beach or swimming pool?  A subtle slide underwater, a gentle scream, thrashing of limbs and if not the life saver at the very least a dozen macho men will leap to the rescue.

There is no limit to the ways opposite or same sexes can meet and hook up.  We all want connection with someone special and there is, in a year the world is ending, a sense of urgency. So, get the laptop fired up, the memberships in to clubs. Check out the schools and read the classifieds. Find at least one person you may have something in common with and read our next column on how to ‘manage’ the date, from every perspective.

By December you will have one significantly serious relationship under the belt and maybe even find your soul mate, the one you want to be with for that last sunset.  The rapture is coming.

Whether you’ve been together for 5 days or 50 years, make an effort.

When you start seeing someone, it’s always so easy to put in the time trying to look good, smell nice and feel attractive. But this shouldn’t change as the relationship progresses. Naturally your partner will love and accept you as you are, but that doesn’t mean they won’t appreciate the effort.

Dating in the beginning is all butterflies and adrenaline, fresh haircuts and expensive colognes or perfumes. As weeks turn into months and years, the butterflies become a quiet confidence, adrenaline is contentment (and these are good things), but fresh haircuts turn into a quick running of your hand through your locks and expensive fragrance becomes a spray of deodorant over your clothes.

While millions of relationships survive well on a lot less than this, any relationship would improve if your partner felt you were putting in the effort to impress them by looking your best.

This is not to mention how your own self-esteem would improve. Looking good is feeling good. So, upgrade the deo for a seductive scent and get your mojo back.

If you grew up with a mom in the kitchen and a dad at the office, you’ll have a pretty good idea of the stereotypical roles of men and women.

You may have grown up with the notion that boys don’t cry and girls are sensitive; boys are doctors, lawyers and CEOs; where girls are housewives, bakers and secretaries. Women are given  a bad rep for driving and ‘can’t’ do handy work and men are applauded for reaching ridiculous seeds on the roads and should know everything about DIY.

Some of these ideas may make perfect sense in your life and in your relationship and if that’s the case, then keep it going. As a woman, you might prefer being at home and might actually be quite sensitive and choose not to work in certain roles. As a man, you might like being the breadwinner and love fast cars. There is nothing wrong with living these stereotypes and they obviously came about for a reason, but times are certainly changing. It’s no longer unheard of for men to be more in touch with their feminine sides, or to be the ones staying home with the kids. It is very common for women to be competent drivers, not to mention successful in business.

The important thing is that you need to be the one to make the decision about what works for you and what roles you and your partner want to take on in your unique relationship. We have far more freedom these days to explore who we are and what feels right to us. Base your choices on what makes you happy. Respect for yourself and your partner should be the primary concern.

A stereotype is, by definition, a generalisation or type-casting of a group, which means it will not apply to everyone in the same way. Let your roles form and develop naturally and only succumb to the stereotypes which make you happy.

1. I shall not drop my standards for any man or woman, no matter how good-looking they may be!

2. I shall treat myself with respect and do the same to my partner.

3. I shall have fun and enjoy my time with or without a partner.

4. I shall always look after my safety first.

5. I shall take things as they come without worrying about what may or may not happen.

6. I shall be true to myself and know what I want.

7. I shall take every opportunity that comes my way and accept it as a chance for a good change in my life.

8. I shall forget the past and look to the future with hope and enthusiasm.

9. I shall never leave a fight or argument unresolved.

10. I shall make an effort to do something nice for my partner every day – no matter how small.

Make your resolution list and stick to it! It’s 2012 and time for a clean slate and a fresh start – to the year and to our attitudes. Happy New Year everyone!

If you are both close to your families, then the festive season and other holiday periods can be a tricky time deciding whose family you’ll spend the day with. There are a few ways of getting around this, however…

You could split the special days up and divide them between each family. For example if you spend Christmas Eve with your partner’s family, you can spend Christmas Day with yours and you can do the same for New Years and Easter.

Another option would be to alternate each year. One year with your family, one year with your partner’s.

If you have the energy and your families live near to each other, you could try and see both families in one day. You could have the afternoon with your family, and do the evening with your partner’s. Or if you are lucky enough that your families already know (and like) each other, then you can spend the day all together. Sorted.

Just remember that whether you celebrate these holidays at all or not, those times of the year are meant to be spent with family and friends and for us to be grateful for the fortune we may have.So, be fair to your partners and spread the love in the holiday season.